THE BALL SPEAKS

BY AARON KEEL

The dominant headline story of the early NBA season has nothing to do with the contenders and pretenders. The story has been and continues to be the introduction of a new ball and the ongoing controversy surrounding it. With Commissioner Stern deciding to make a return to the original leather ball starting January 1 st hopefully the controversy will finally be over and the players can just worry about playing ball. While everyone from Shaquille O'Neal to Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has voiced their opinions I decided to go straight to the source of all the controversy, the ball itself. In an exclusive candid interview we discuss everything from Shaq's comments to being replaced and life after the NBA.

Parents be warned-This interview is for mature audiences only.

The opinions expressed by Mr. Ball are his alone and do not reflect the interviewer's.

Aaron Keel - "Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to do this interview Mr. Spaulding".

Spaulding - "No problem dawg, just don't call me Mr. Spaulding. You can call me Spaul Ball; ya know like that rapper Paul Wall".

A.K . - "Okayyy. First thing first, why the switch to you? What was wrong with the old leather ball"?

S.B. - "Man are you kidding me? Did you see those whack ass balls the league was using? They looked like that old broad from "There's Something About Mary" all worn out and shit".

A.K. - "I guess. What makes you a better ball?"

S.B. - "Nigga please! Look at me; this is how a ball's supposed to look. Bling bling orange that doesn't fade, crazy stripes, man I'm big pimpin'"!

A.K . - "I see. Let's talk about the actual controversy this season. Why didn't Commissioner Stern get some input from the players first before making the switch"?

S.B. - "Come on man, we all know Stizzern thinks the NBA is his own personal plantation and he's the massa . He doesn't care what those punks think".

A.K. - "I don't think he would appreciate those comments but let's move on. Earlier this year Shaquille O'Neal said that you quote "Feel like one of those cheap balls that you buy at the toy store". What do you have to say in response?"

S.B. - "Shit. I think that fool should worry more about his weak ass free throw shooting and talk talking smack before I whoop his fat ass. I know where he works ya know".

A.K. - "I'll let him know you're looking for him. What do you think about reigning 2 time MVP Steve Nash and fellow teammate Raja Bell saying that you cut their hands up?"

S.B . - "Please, you really think I'm gonna listen to those chumps? One dude's from Canada , enough said and the other one looks like he should be playing a Vulcan on Star Trek".

A.K. - "What about Dirk Nowitzki? He said the same things."

S.B. - "Man forget Dirk. Doesn't he listen to that Baywatch dude? Straight up man, the playas are pussies. You see that white dude in football? He played with a ruptured spleen man! Now I don't know what a spleen is but that sounds a lot more painful then some cut hands"

A.K. - "I'm not sure they'd take kindly to your comments Spaul".

S.B. - "Tell them to win a title first, then we'll talk".

A.K . - "Right. Moving on, not all the players despise you. Jarrett Jack of the Trailblazers "loves" you."

S.B. - "Who? Man I don't even know who that is but since he ain't clownin', he my boy anyways".

A.K . - "Commissioner Stern said yesterday that you'll be replaced by the old ball starting the first of the year. What are you going to do with yourself?"

S.B. - "It's cool, I got my Benjamins and Cristal, I think I'll get by".

A.K. - "Well thank you for your time Mr. Spaul Ball.

S.B. - "Sure thang nigga".

 

 

Special thanks to Mr. Spaul Ball for his time.

The opinions expressed by Mr. Ball are his alone and do not reflect the interviewer's.

 

[Top] [Print this Page]