“Guys, hide this column”

By Ivette Ricco

Tony Pizza wrote on 9/21/06 in a column that appeared in the Daily Utah Chronicle.

“Since most women don't know a thing about football, now would be a good time for any of them to stop reading. Just about the closest a woman has come to speaking intelligently about football was when that cute girl from the local newspaper commercials "acted" like she knew what a 3-4 package was. Was it extremely attractive that she seemed like she knew what she was talking about? Yes. Is that scenario likely? No. Not even our enlightening local newspapers can bring that kind fantasy to fruition.”

Pizza Man, them’s fighting words. Your “Guys, hide this column” is so sad and oh so lame. So-called male fans like you, who don’t have the cojones to be honest with their ladies are shrinking in numbers and in other ways as well.

PM goes onto say.

"It's common knowledge that women typically go to football games to randomly bump into friends they haven't seen in ages and use their man's binoculars to look for people they know in the stands. Once a woman finds that person they call them on the phone and take five minutes to explain where they are sitting so they can exchange a wave among the 45,000 screaming fans."

He then adds….as an aside to the other male morons on this planet.

"“Hopefully that was insulting enough to give us guys a moment of alone time so we can discuss some ways to get the most out of football season this fall.”"

He then proceeds to continue to hang himself by his privates with these suggestions to the other clueless males who don’t know how to enjoy women, women who may actually understand and enjoy football.

Tips to maximize the amount of time you can watch football in relative peace.

No. 1: Find the time to plan out all the games you need to see this season. Organization is a must. Write down the dates and times for these games and begin to plan how you are going to watch them (the purpose for this will be explained later). Keep this list hidden with all the Victoria's Secret catalogs you don't want your girlfriend, wife or mom to find.

You hide Victoria’s Secret catalogs? I can almost see your tail curling between your legs.

No. 2: Keep in mind the fact that it is essential to keep Saturdays, Sundays and Monday nights as clutter-free as possible. If you're married or in a relationship, do the dishes, mow the lawn, paint the fence, send flowers on Friday; do whatever it takes to smooth over the fact that Saturdays and Sundays are going to be a little busy this fall. ……

This isn’t half bad for a half wit, except that this fool should conduct his life like this at all times, not just in an effort to outwit his lady.

No. 3: If church, combined with your significant other, is keeping you from watching football on Sundays, I suggest learning how to cook…..

I almost thought he was going to give up religious beliefs just to pull the wool over his sweetie’s eyes, instead he offers to learn how to cook. Gee that’s exactly the reason I became a football fan, to get out of cooking on Sunday.

No. 4: Get your significant other involved in the game. Don't try to explain the intricacies of a safety blitz or how a dropped screen pass can actually be a fumble. These idiosyncrasies are like trying to explain calculus to a 5-year-old….

I know a couple of five year olds who could run circles around you PM. Okay, put ‘em up, sauce-face; that is really stupid and condescending, even for you.

No. 5: Buy a calendar that doesn't have half-naked ladies, cherry-red Corvettes or anything to do with sports on it. Hang this calendar on the fridge or near the bathroom sink where your significant other gets ready in the morning. Pull out your list from your secret hiding spot and mark the dates and times of the games you absolutely can't miss…

Boy talk about covering your skinny little ass.

No. 6: Give the illusion that you want to watch games that you actually have no intention of watching….

What a pile of male-chauvinist horseshit.

No. 7: Any good coach doesn't want his playbook getting in the hands of his opponent. Make sure your significant other does not get ahold of this column. Cut it out and use it as a reference, but hide it with the previously mentioned catalogues. If your significant other reads up to this point, then you're going to have to get really creative…

I hope every single woman you ever want to sleep with has this little article taped to her groin.

To any other woman who has read up to this point, I want you to know that you're a good sport, and I know some guys out there who are dying to meet a lady who can take a joke.

Sure we can take a joke. But unfortunately for you, we prefer guys who don’t have their head firmly lodged in their lower intestine.

Ladies. Want to give the Pizza Man a piece of your mind?
Click here to read the article. Guys, hide this column
Send your comments to his editor at:
letters@chronicle.utah.edu

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