WELCOME TO MONSTER PARK:
Now playing: The Rocky Horror Football Show.

Replays every Sunday:

by Ivette Ricco

October 4, 2004

Since the first bedtime story was ever told, children have always known that monsters were lying in wait. They knew that as soon as the lights went out the monsters emerged from under the bed or from inside the closet.

Some monsters run and hide as soon as the lights come on; some however, wait until your guard is down.

Welcome to Monster Park
Once upon a time there was a proud and powerful football franchise known as the San Francisco Forty Niners.

They lived and played in a magical place called San Francisco. The kingdom was run by Eddie D the Magnificent. William the Walsh controlled his legion of warriors.

King Eddie and William the Walsh were well aware of the monsters lurking in the shadows and fog covered recesses of the kingdom.

The monsters were kept at bay with weekly sacrifices on the field of play, and because the monsters were appeased regularly the San Francisco forty Niners were the proudest gladiators in all of National Football League-land.

But as all children know, the monsters never left the kingdom, oh no they were just waiting for the right moment.

And so it was that there came a day when King Eddie and William the Walsh were banished from the kingdom forever.

Denise the Sister and her servant John the Dork, took control of the proud San Francisco Forty Niners’ golden warriors.

Believing that super trophies and treasures were easily obtained Denise the Sister and John the Dork proceeded to divest themselves of their experienced but expensive warriors.

They gave Terry the Donahue the job of announcing the firing of Mariucci the Mooch and the hiring of Dennis the Erickson. They gave Terry the Donahue the order to release their star receiver Terrell the O, running back Garrison the Hearst, and offensive linemen Derrick the Deese, but to keep the treasure chest full, and not order spring water for the underlings! They gave Terry the Donahue the power of “No”!

Unbeknownst to Denise the Sister and John the Dork or Terry the Donahue, the monsters were becoming increasingly restless.

The weekly sacrifices had come to a sudden and unexpected halt making the monsters spittin’ mad. Their weekly sacrifices bore no resemblance to the meaty bone feasts of the 80’s.

The increasingly restless monsters were startling children right out of their beds with screams of “touchdown” “ and other types of creepy sounds.

When in the Year of the Misery, 2004, the once golden warriors began to flail and pitch, the monsters knew the time was upon them.

The monsters were ready for a real meal, a real sacrifice, and the real deal. If the golden warriors could no longer feed the hungry monsters, then they would have to rise up, and feed freely upon the huddled masses themselves.
It was their time; it was their house, it was time for the Monsters to make some noise at Monster Park!
And so they did……..

Although we’re still 3 weeks away from Halloween, Niner fans have had the bejesus scared out of them.

The Niners are being called the worst team in football after losing every pre-season game and every regular season game to date. They are distinguished only by the fact that they have been outscored 48-3 in first quarters this season.

So far there are no sign of marked improvement and if anything the team seems to have regressed and lost some of its energy and enthusiasm. That’s what happens when you get your ass whipped weekly.

It’s not a big surprise that the Forty Niners aren’t a playoff caliber team; in fact, the Chiefs and Bucs lousy start are much more of a surprise.

Still, Forty Niner fans expected a team that resembled something more than an expansion team or a college football squad.

The ugly monster that usually hides under the bed at night has become so confident, so damn cocky, that it’s showing up in the light of day; making appetizers of the Niners’ sitting duck quarterbacks, Ken Dorsey and Tim Rattay.

Monsters will continue to feed on the remains of S.F. Forty Niners and their fans, until they are appeased. But, how long will it take?

2004 - a season full of misery in monstrous proportions?

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