Who Are You - Who-Who
-Who -Who?
CSI - NFL
by Ivette Ricco
November 29, 2004
I sat motionless, cold, and
numb in my upper reserved nosebleed seat watching
the 1-9 SF Forty Niners and the 1-9 Miami Dolphins.
The weather was responsible for the frozen exterior
the numbness however was due to the titanic-like collapse
I was witnessing on the field.
As I watched the Forty Niners' not so graceful descent
from the ranks of the bad to the worst of the worst
I kept hearing an annoying and persistent tune bouncing
around in my brain.
"Who are you, who- who- who- who? All I really
wanna know is - who are you, who-who-who-who?"
Who are they indeed. These young men in gold and red,
these professional football players who have failed
miserably this season. And who is this gray-haired
coach who seems as skittish as a rat in a trap.
Who are they? And what are they doing running around
haplessly in Forty Niner uniforms as they bumble,
stumble and fall to a league low 1-10 record? Who
are they, losers of 5 fumbles and givers of 8 sacks?
Surely there must be a law
against these acts of mediocrity. Clearly a crime
against humanity has been committed.
And who better to uncover the identity of this team?
Who better to solve this, "Who Are They"
caper than the clinical heroes of our time, the Las
Vegas CSI team?
The scene of the crime:
San Francisco Forty Niner Headquarters - Santa Clara
California -2004
The victim(s):
The team, the coaches, the fans, the NFL
The Perpetrator(s):
Denise DeBartolo-York, John York, Terry Donahue
Case Name: Mea No
Es Culpa - Who Are They?
The Team:
Gil Grissom, Catherine Willows, Nick Stokes, Warrick
Brown, Sara Sidle, and Captain Jim Brass. ( non-CSI
followers this is the CSI Las Vegas team).
Due to the complexity of the crime and the high profile
suspects involved in this case the team has assembled,
"outside consultants" to help them make
their way through the bowels of the NFL.
The Consultants:
Tags (Paul Tagliabue), The Genius (Bill Walsh), and
"Mooch" (Steve Mariucci).
GRISSOM describes what he saw when he arrived at
the crime scene:
I entered the Forty Niners front office and found
all the staff wearing mittens, scarves and ear muffs.
The heater had been turned off by order of the DeBartolo-York
family. But the good news was that all the forensic
evidence was perfectly preserved and easy to collect.
The murder weapon was apparently a lousy offensive
line, and the bodies of three, young, white males
lay scattered all over the practice field.
CATHERINE presents Grissom with a copy of the playbook,
and notes that there are bloodstains (or is that coffee?)
and fingerprints on the cover.
THE GENIUS directs Grissom and Willows into the team
locker room, where they discover all the equipment
has been locked and set on timers.
"Ah" exclaims TAGS, "That is not a
good sign".
A piece of hair with what appears to be sweat and
blood (or is that hot chocolate) clings to the weight
table.
NICK takes notes and places all the evidence into
ZipLoc Bags.
MOOCH is grinning from ear to ear as he takes in the
crime scene. Along the way he poses to have his picture
taken with Bryant Young who whispers "we miss
you man".
The whole group walks gingerly into the Coach's office.
There they discover that the coach has left all his
chalk and diagrams in full view and unprotected from
the public eye.
THE GENIUS turns purple and says through clenched
teeth, "I was afraid of this".
CATHERINE: I talked to the NFL. We've got the entire
team meeting
us here.
WARRICK: All you got to go on is a playbook?
GRISSOM: Yeah, but where there's one, there's usually
more.
CATHERINE: So we'll do a grid search. And we'll
probably need your friend,
THE GENIUS.
GRISSOM: I don't think that's necessary.
CATHERINE: Why not? He's a genius and he specializes
in
solving problems. And, hello, all we've got is a playbook.
GRISSOM: I know what he specializes in. If we hit
a wall, I'll call him.
CATHERINE: Okay.
GRISSOM: Sara, Warrick, dead body in the whirlpool.
SARA: Is that that place with the weird sauna?
CATHERINE :Oh yeah.
WARRICK: They found a dead male in the locker room.
SARA: Any chance it's old age?
CATHERINE: So you thinking, what I'm thinking?
GRISSOM: Uh, how amazing the universe is, everything
made from the same carbon -- stars to trees, trucks
to human bones? How sweaty it smells in here, and
how sexy it makes me feel?
CATHERINE: No. I was thinking that we got a bloody
playbook. We got some good DNA and we got motive and
opportunity. We got a lousy football team with a cheap
owner, incompetent GM, a losing coach, second tier
players and a porous offensive line. We could tie
this up before the end of shift.
GRISSOM: Yeah, let's call in the cops and tell them
what we found. But first let's talk to these "persons
of interest".
WARRICK. Mr. York, was there any ongoing personal
or personnel problems that might have led to these
crimes?
JOHN YORK: No sir, the DeBartolo family always has
and always will continue to create the best environment
for the team, the staff and the fans. I have no knowledge
of any dissension of any kind. In addition, we are
going to stay under the salary cap as long as I have
anything to say about it!
GRISSOM: Mr. Donahue. Are all three dead players on
the practice field quarterbacks?
TERRY DONAHUE: Yes that's what I've been told, I don't
know them personally. It seems very odd that they
have been so badly mangled, and my God there's so
much blood everywhere!! I have no doubt that this
was caused by a homicidal maniac or a runaway piece
of machinery. There just isn't any other explanation
for such murder and mayhem.
CATHERINE: Mr. York have you provided protection
for the team and specifically for the players at the
quarterback position, given that they had "hits"
put out on them? And please get rid of that dopey
look in your eyes.
Here's the deal, we're using Cliff Notes to put these
kids back together in there. All we want to know is
why don't you put up some bucks to sign good players?
How about protection for the quarterbacks with a decent
offensive line?
GRISSOM: Catherine, just check with me about stuff
like
this will ya? Cool your jets, we're forensic cops
remember?
CATHERINE: Right.
JOHN YORK: No crimes have been committed here. These
young men were simply victims of their own mistakes.
I'm a doctor and I have a medical degree. My medical
background indicates that there may have been an outbreak
of Small Pox here and the entire area should be quarantined.
I resent any implication that the SF Forty Niners
aren't doing everything right.
The San Francisco Forty Niners are known for their
mystique, not their mistakes.
GRISSOM: We'll be the judge of that Dr. York.
NFL - CSI - Part 1
The End?
Around the league:
Week 12 - (prior to Monday Night Game- Rams at the
Packers)
• Raiders 25, Broncos 24
What an entertaining game to watch. The Raiders really
played well and took home an impressive victory, on
the road, against their nemesis, in the snow!
• Texans 31, Titans 21
The Texans are an up and coming team, the Titans are
heading in the other direction.
• Patriots 24, Ravens 3
The Pats struggled a bit in the first half, but as
elite teams are wont to do, they came back strong
to beat the Ravens.
• Jets 13, Cardinals 3
The Jets are hanging their hat on Quincy Carter, Curtis
Martin and the Defense. So far, so good.
• Dolphins 24, 49ers 17
The Toilet Bowl produced win number two for Miami,
and more gloom and doom for the Niners.
• Falcons 24, Saints 21
The Falcons are finding a way to win and are going
to win their division easily. A great accomplishment
for rookie head coach, Jim Mora.
• Bills 38, Seahawks 9
The Bills are kicking some butt on defense, and have
enough of an offense to surprise a lot of teams.
Seattle is losing ground and there are rumblings about
Holmgren's employment in Seattle.
• Eagles 27, Giants 6
The Eagles made it look easy and were anything but
easy on Young Eli.
• Bengals 58, Browns 48
Hot diggity dog. The Ohio state teams lit it up with
a total of 116 points of offense. Wow.
• Steelers 16, Redskins 7
The Steelers and the Bus keep on rolling, rolling,
rolling.
• Chargers 34, Chiefs 31
The Bolts are a real surprise and Drew Brees has positioned
himself for a nice fat contract and many suitors as
he becomes a free agent. I expect the Chargers to
lay the franchise tag on him and try to keep Brees
while Rivers gets ready to take over.
• Vikings 27, Jaguars 16
Randy Moss' return spoiled Byron Leftwich's return.
Let's see if the Vikings can avoid doing their annual
death gurgle.
• Panthers 21, Buccaneers 14
The defending NFC Champion Panthers are playing hard
and winning some games along the way. With the NFC
lacking powerhouse teams, with only the Eagles and
Falcons dominating, there are a lot of playoff possibilities
still in play.
• Cowboys 21, Bears 7
The Boys are struggling and the Tuna is feeling the
heat.
The Bears just signed 32 year-old Jeff George. Will
he be a back-up? What does that tell you about the
Bears quarterback situation?
• Colts 41, Lions 9
Manning is on a record breaking pace, but.....will
he get his team into the Super Bowl and will they
win it all?
As of now I would say no. The AFC has two elite teams,
the Patriots and the Steelers, and several other very
good teams. If the Colts can't improve on defense
they won't get into the Super Bowl this season regardless
of Manning's super human efforts.
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