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Part VI

If Chicks Ran the NFL – Part VI
By Ivette Ricco

The NFL likes to think that it reaches out to its growing female fan base.

But we know better.
NFL, what have you done for us lately?

Paul “Tags” Tagliabue is gone and in his place we have Roger Goodell. One thing is immediately apparent; he is much easier on the eyes. But, will he do right by the women who love NFL football?

Under Tags’ watch the NFL could no longer ignore the “power of the purse”.

Women who follow sports, and specifically women who are avid NFL fans have demanded that the NFL toss them a bone by offering team apparel that doesn’t fit 300-pound mammoth men.

That high-pitched cry from the women in the stands (see If Chicks Part One) has finally yielded some results. Ah, the ever powerful all mighty dollar.

NFL women’s wear sales are soaring. More than $150 million was spent last year on NFL merchandise for women. It’s only fair given that women make up 40% of the NFL’s fan base.

But, along with some long overdue female sized jerseys and jackets, the NFL hasn’t been very creative or innovative when it comes to what they offer the female fan.
They have joined the parade of “Color Me Pink” female team apparel.

Okay, we get it; women like to look good, feminine, cute and sexy.

That’s all good. I won’t deny it has its place.

But for crying out loud, enough already with everything Pink, from t-shirts, undies, socks, hats and everything in between. Who says women are committed by gender to the color pink? I’d like to buy my guy a pair of pink boxers with his team logo on it. Where can I get that?

If you’re a, “Real Woman Who Loves Sports”, you will only wear your pink team apparel to the local bar, the supermarket, the hair salon or in the privacy of your own home. On game day you wouldn’t be seen dead wearing pink to the game, nope, on that day you will be proudly decked out in your team colors.

When women buy a jersey to show their support for a football player, they tend to pick the “pretty boys”.

The female fan’s choice in jersey (the top ten sellers) are:

1. Donovan McNabb

2. Ben Roethlisberger

3. Brett Favre

4. Tom Brady

5. Peyton Manning

6. Hines Ward

7. Terrell Owens

8. Eli Manning

9. Randy Moss

10. Carson Palmer

But, clearly times have changed, as women become more knowledgeable about the game of football and as their economic and consumer power increases, we hope, the NFL, will do more than just throw us a pink bone in an effort to appease our NFL hunger.

So here it is Mr. Goodell, your opportunity to leave a legacy of recognition for the millions of women who love football.
I can only hope that you will take us more seriously than your predecessor.

If Chicks Ran the NFL:

Ben Roethlisberger would be placed in a bubble for his own safety

Matt Leinart would have to go back to USC to get a lesson on safe sex

A calendar featuring the most fabulous 12 shirtless bodies in the NFL would be published in time for Christmas, with the proceeds benefiting the Fight Against Breast Cancer

Chris Berman would hire Michael Irving’s tailor

Bryant Gumble would be sent to detention and made to write on the board
“I won’t bite the hand that feeds me”

All comments regarding Terrell Owens’ behavior would be bleeped out of every broadcast

Donovan McNabb’s mom would be paid not to appear in Campbell’s Soup commercials

All Erectile Dysfunction commercials would be banned from all NFL games

The Gatorade commercial with Peyton Manning dripping sweat would be shown every time the Colts play

Female fans wearing pink team gear to the games would have to remove them, on the spot

Male fans would be banned from painting their fat bellies and exposing them to the world

Female football teams would hold a scrimmage during halftime

College overtime rules would be in effect

Joe Theismann would get zapped in the knee whenever he mentioned his illustrious NFL career.

The NFL Network wouldn’t assault our sensibilities with stories about the trials and tribulations of becoming a cheerleader, please…

Leslie Visser would be part of the NBC in-booth broadcasting team

There would be a Real Women Love Football Day

The pre-season would be reduced to three games

Every team would be allowed to keep 55 players on their active roster

The local blackout rule would be eliminated

All owners would be responsible for building new stadiums with private, not public funds

Fans would receive a list of rule changes as they enter the stadium for Opening Day

Sean John would redesign the new refs uniforms

Female team logo apparel would be sold in a boutique-like setting at the stadium with fitting rooms, free beer and baby-sitting services

Anyone who joined a fantasy league would be banned from watching the game in your house and rooting against your real team!

The women in the NFL would make it their mission to look for ways to nurture and acknowledge the women who support the game of football by creating a, “Network of Female Fans” program, (NFF). I volunteer to run that program for them

I am sooooo ready for some football!