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Part V

If Chicks Ran the NFL – Part 5
By Ivette Ricco

Inspirational – no holds barred and thought provoking, Part 5 of “If Chicks Ran the NFL”.

I am always amazed by the creativity of our readers. Give them a chance to voice an opinion on a topic near and dear to them and you will get plenty of sizzling feedback.

Ask women what they would do if the Ran the NFL, and you get some food for thought and a lot of visuals too, if you get my drift.

While there are plenty of new and original ideas, there seem to be a few areas of common concern.

Cheerleaders – get rid of them, replace them with sexy men.
Bathrooms – we need more of them.
Players with bad attitudes – we know how to handle them!
Food – improve it and make it healthier.
Booze – improve the selection.
Tight Ends – more -more -more.
Fashion Sense – get some.

We did hear from a couple of men. Their responses follow the ladies’.

Back by popular demand, and brought to you by the Chippendale Dancers and Hunks from Down Under…

If Chicks Ran the NFL Part 5

Marianne Palmer:
No more cheerleaders…unless they are REAL cheerleaders- with all the cool flips and stuff. No more of this goofy waving and wiggling.
Fat ugly drunk fans MUST keep their shirts on, I don’t care HOW long it took to paint their belly in team colors
What is with freezing cold metal bleachers??? No way- let’s have cushioned seats please. With space heaters.
Why does hot cocoa cost more than beer? That’s a sin, I think.
Fix it.
And of course- twice as many ladies’ rooms!

Laura Lovell:
I would change almost all teams jerseys for better color coordinates
They would smile in all their photos.
They would not make much more than 5 million a year,
Tickets to game would not cost more than 50 bucks at best…
They would have cute little trays in all the seats, so we don’t have to hold nachos in our laps.
I would start a line of SEXY NFL clothing instead of high
necked frumpy jerseys and silk pajamas with the team logo all over it. Corny!!

Margaret Witt:
There would be no shirts on the guys
All cheerleaders would be men
Women would be the ultimate rule makers

Melissa Fitzhugh:
There would be more room between bleacher rows – there’s nothing quite like a stranger’s butt in you face! Especially a huge guy that reeks of beer during an awesome play!
All children under the age of 13 would be allowed to attend games free of charge.
The entire stadium would have either 1) Padded bleachers or 2) Movie theater style seating arrangements – that way you’re comfortable and you don’t have to worry about elbowing the person next to you.
Drinks and snacks would be reasonably priced. Come on, does it really cost you $5 per hot dog to prepare them and sell them?
Fine any male that has anything negative to say about women and the sport! We don’t go around bad mouthing them for all their short-comings, why should they be allowed to bad mouth us for taking an interest in a great game and perhaps being good at it!???
Initiate a drink pass system and the one’s who have “had enough” get cut off before they get vulgar – there are children to think of you know!

Johannah Brookwell:
There would be less clothes on the players
There would be less sweating
There would be less steroids
There would be a woman coach or two.

Karen Smith:
If game goes into overtime it would be a whole quarter instead of 1st team to score no replays

Carol Drury:
better food
more comfortable seats
better coordinated uniforms
better managed ownership
fairer competition
mediated disputes

Sarah Gorman:
better hairdos, updated uniforms and respect for female fans.

cindy garan:
it would be great! the uniforms would be a better color. and we would not take all this crap from the players .

veronica garrett:
The uniforms would be sexier
More cities would have franchises
the games would be less boring
there would be female officials
the games would be scheduled late at night
there would be better commercials than beer

Uniforms would be nicer
No more Gatorade dumping
More ladies restrooms
FAT FREE food at the concession stands
major games played in warmer states, its too cold in those
northern stadiums
Ditch the all girl cheerleaders and show us some male dancers

The players would all wear high heels.
Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.
Instead of beer and hot dogs, concessions would sell carb free, fat free foods.
Cheerleaders would all be overweight and average looking.
Players salaries would be cut 70%.
Women with cold hands would give players prostate exams.

Jamie L. Watts:
If you tested positive for drugs one time, you’d be banned for life!
Absolutely NO instant replay! If there’s a questionable call, the female commissioner would rule!
And of course, I’d be the commissioner!
The penalty flags would definitely be PINK!
I would personally congratulate all the players after the game while taking showers!
And finally, their would be NO SALARY higher than $500,000 a year!

Heather Cowley:
the stadium would be enclosed and air-conditioned
we would require deodorant be worn on premises
we would not grant TV air time to big, painted bellies
we would hand out duct tape, for fans to police the crudest among them
we would only serve chocolate items and salty items at the food stands tickets would have homing devices within

Eve Reed:
There would be a female announcer who could translate the game into a language that all women could understand.
There would be special rooms at the stadiums that didn’t cost extra money where the women could go in and watch the game.
There would be babysitting at the stadium so that the parents wouldn’t have to worry about the kiddos.

Brandi Cothron:
The men would quit smacking each other on the butt!

Sharon Fernando:
Referee’s would get a makeover and lose the stripes.

cheri neglio:
Touch would be allowed
Only Tight End Positions Available
Flags thrown for Fashion Mistakes
Ref’s have Pink & Black Stripes
manicures & pedicures after every game
Frozen Margarita’s drench Coach after games

Valerie Holst:
uniforms would be in pastel colors
there would be hair pulling and slapping
the cheerleaders would be hot men in lil shorts

heidi kukta:
There would be some awesome looking guys in very tight outfits
cheerleading along with the regular cheerleaders. There would be time outs for potty breaks, and lots of time to do hair and makeup at half time – and men
would understand this. We would not have to wait in line for beer….

Jan Sabella:
Uniforms would include the colors pink, peach, and periwinkle.
Coaches would dress in designer outfits.
Gatorade would come in various flavors and include straws.
The announcer would be a female.
There would be three times more women’s rest rooms than men’s.
Foods would include low-carb.
Names of teams would be less animal and Native American and be more creative, such as “Go Beefcakes Go!”.

Deanna Marzolf:
No Viagra commercials
Less testosterone
wine and cheese seating section
Less commercialism
Less rules and regulations
More comfortable seating

Cindy Nettleton:
Men would go nuts! Men think women cannot do a man’s job to this day. I know women who know NFL rules better than most men. It would be great to have chicks run the NFL just to prove another way women are better than men.

trina caudill:
there wouldn’t be any whining because we would tell them to suck it up and be a MAN!
Thy would walk around and sell chocolate at the games for those on PMS
They would walk around and sell wine
There would be space heaters all around to keep everyone warm
there would be more women’s restrooms so there wouldn’t be a wait
there would be Chippendale looking men selling all of the items

Tonya Simmons:
the cheerleaders wouldn’t use such derogatory moves. They truly look like strippers on the field and it’s distasteful. I wouldn’t dare take my child to a football game because of the way those cheerleaders act.

kathleen mitchell:
I would stop a lot of the big money and put the game back to the way it use to be when it was worth watching
get rid of all those flags
everyman for themselves
no more touch football

Florence Bellamy:
there would be hugging instead of tackling.

Carol Drury:
spa treatments for all members
color coordinated uniforms
hugs not butt taps
credit for doing ones best
special uniforms on holidays
male cheerleaders

Crystal Thompson:
Instead of cheerleaders we would have buff guys in Ralph Lauren boxer briefs!

Melissa Johnson:
The contact after 5 yards rule would be extended to at least 10 yards. There would be no such thing as offensive pass interference.

Kimm Lepien:
Referees would know to get out of the way of the play so that they are not taken off on the cart.
There would be fewer bullshit calls because all referees would be female!

Melissa Paine:
There would only be 20 seconds between plays because they really only need half the time to scratch themselves
They would have to CUT THAT HAIR. No man should have more hair than me!
Two words Short Shorts!!!

Nancy Horiye:
the Players would know who was boss!
Nancy Nielsen
More players would be kept in shape
Tone, Tone, and more Tone!
If they exhaust after one lap
Then we’ll run ‘em 10 more.
Big is not better
They need to get and stay in shape!

Barbara Fox:
There’d be all female lavatories in the stadiums…with a couple well placed trees for the guys!

Joanne Sandes:
Things would be different I can tell you that!
Oprah would have football players on stage to give a chalk talk in the language that is proper for a lady to hear and teach them the plays.
They would have women as refs. Not just men! The ball would be in a bright color so the inexperienced person could see it when a play is executed. No Bad Mouthing allowed. Balloons would be given to the children with the team logos on them. Prices would be cheaper so many more Moms could go and bring the kids……

Barbara Fox:
We’d pay a WHOLE lot of money to keep players we like instead of worrying so much about how they play.
We’d have the cheerleaders run the “boo-boo” team, kissing away bumps & bruises.
We’d cry when our team lost.
With the eyes in back of our heads, we’d know where our players were off and on the field at all times.
We could look into their eyes & tell if they were lying.
We’d give them hugs when they lost & tell them there’s a reason for everything…

Angela Jacobs:
no T&A in the commercials

Joanne Sandes:
There would be charts in colors with easy to read directions given by Terry Bradshaw or Howie Long on playing the game.
The football would match the home team colors and the beer would be served in glasses not bottles.
The seats would be heated especially in the winter for those who are pregnant or want to get pregnant.

Nichole Dirkse:
A set stadium will be built for the Super Bowl, it would be bigger and better than any stadium ever built, this will give more people the chance to go to one.
Autographs will be possible to attain after every game, this would be mandatory for every player.
Players celebrating after a touchdown would not be fined, no matter how offensive.

Kimberly Trowbridge:
There will not be anymore “scratching” on the sideline.

Laura M. Medina:
There would be no need to take excessively long commercial breaks–instead of cutting to commercials when time-outs are called, how about a little commentary on the game?
Show us why you get paid to do what you do.
There would definitely have to be knowledgeable women on the sidelines–what’s the use of having the power of the microphone if you don’t know what you’re talking about?
Get rid of all of these dumb bimbos doing the “weather” on sports shows!
Better analysts–let’s be honest, not ALL former NFL players were made to do pre- or post-game commentary.
How about a woman or two in the booths doing the play-by-play? There are plenty of worthy candidates, and when I’m done with college, I want to be one of them!!
Women would not be discouraged from “talking sports,” because we would actually know what we were doing! And if chicks really ran the NFL, there would actually be women owners!! Hell yea, for female football fans!

And from the distaff side:

Russell Brown:
All the uniforms would match the drapes and dinner service.


I would kill myself!

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