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Part IV

If Chicks Ran the NFL – Part 4
By Ivette Ricco

Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, or as we like to call him, Tags, has left no stone unturned when it comes to instilling a climate of honesty and decorum in the NFL.

Do we like it? Not so much.

No celebrating and no dancing.
No foreign objects in the uniform.
No phony injuries and no lies.
No touching of receivers after 5 yards.

If Chicks Ran the NFL we wouldn’t need to lay down the law, men understand that even the slightest infraction would lead to penalties far beyond a simple fine or suspension. Oh yes, we know how to punish those bad boys!
Yawsuh, this season there will lots of footballs flying and touchdowns being scored.
Will this lead to a proliferation of offense or a redesigning of defenses?
It don’t matter to me much, cause If Chicks Ran the NFL things would improve in many significant and relevant ways.

Every NFL ref would be given lessons on coin tossing
Every NFL coach would get a mouth-guard or one of those Freddy masks to use when he calls plays (those plastic cards covering their mouths is stupid).
There should be a mercy rule terminating the game if the score is 48-0 in the 3rd quarter.
Coaches should suit up just like the players. Let’s see how those bodies look in skin-tight uniforms!

Whenever a new stadium is built or an old one is renovated the NFL should insist that their female fans get some TLC. Start by improving the Ladies Rooms!
As an example, the Green Bay Packers took tradition and their female fans into consideration when they renovated Lambeau Field. They didn’t change the name to Cheez-Whiz Field or something ridiculous like that, and they added 376 women’s restrooms, making Lambeau one of the few football stadiums in the country designed so that female fans don’t have to stand in line at the john. One of the few, in fact, designed to assume female fans even exist. You go Cheeseheads, (and you have plenty of places to go now)!

And another thing, leave the old names alone. What the heck does Qualcomm, Network Associates, or Monster Park have to do with football? Nada, zilch, zero, except for the almighty dollar. And, if you do take money over tradition, then use that money to give something back to the fans! After all they are the ones plunking down their hard earned cash for every game regardless of how bad they are.

Our readers thoughts on – If Chicks Ran the NFL:

Melissa JohnsonWayne, Michigan
The contact after 5 yards rule would be extended to at least 10 yards.
There would be no such thing as offensive pass interference.

Kimm Lepien
West Bend, WI
Referees would know to get out of the way of the play so that
they are not taken off on the cart.
There would be fewer bullshit calls because all referees would
be female!

Carla Sosa
Los Osos, CA
The games would be changed from Sundays to Saturdays because I
drive from San Luis Obispo – a 3 1/2 hour drive….every home game weekend.
I am a true fan, but the drive home afterwards gets longer and longer as the season goes on; especially after a bad game.
Definitely more ladies restrooms. It’s pretty bad when you go
up in the middle of the 1st quarter and already have to wait in line!
How about more vendor locations with a little healthier food;
not having to walk half way around the stadium for a chicken sandwich!

Beverly McCullough
Willingboro, New Jersey
There would be no more football widows.

Nicole Gilman
Philadelphia
Locker rooms would be color coordinated
Some pink would be required on all uniforms
Players would change if their uniforms got dirty
Extra points would be rewarded for the best touchdown
celeberation dance
Those referee uniforms need a new designer touch
The team names would change from the lions to the kittys and
the bears to the cubbies

Suzan Phipps
Jacksonville Beach Florida
Shorter concession lines
Put a big QUIET sign on the jumbotron when our team has the ball
More ladies rooms
Have vendors bring soda and water into the stands, our stadium
only brings beer

Michelle Vitagliano
New England
1. Hook the players up with microphones. I want to know what they’re saying in the locker room, in the huddle, to each other, to their opponents and to the fans. Do they whisper sarcastic sweet nothings to guys they mercilessly tackle to the ground or do they take the “your momma’s so fat…” route. I want to hear the trash talking! Imagine listening to a halftime locker room Belichick pep-talk? I want to hear what happens on the field and if we can’t mike them up because of foul language, put the non-censored games on pay-per-view. I’ll pay! What was Seattle’s QB Matt Hasselbeck whining about all day on Sunday every time they showed him? I don’t know because I couldn’t hear him! The only reason I liked the XFL is because you could actually hear the players. Why not have this option in the NFL?
2. Make it a rule that players MUST take their helmets off when they’re not in the game. C’mon guys, if the cheerleaders wore masks on their faces the whole game, you wouldn’t be too happy would you! One of the highlights of Sunday’s game was when Brady’s helmet came off and the camera crew got a nice long close-up of him. Is this guy a model who happens to be really good at football or a really good football player who could one day walk down the runway in Armani clothes? And he’s not the only one who makes my head turn!
3. Baseball has Scooter, the cartoon baseball that gives the TV audience information about the different types of pitches. Why can we have Freddy the football who explains some of the plays or calls? I’m no expert and I could use some explanations.
4. How about occasional fan interviews? There’s nothing I like more than hearing passionate New England fans talking about how “this is ahh yeea, I’ve been a fan foh almost fohty foh yeez and I’ll nevah stop watchin. Drew Bledsoe lohng gohn but we love Tom!”

Yes, things would clearly be different If Chicks Ran The NFL.

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