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Part III

If Chicks Ran the NFL – Part 3
By Ivette Ricco

I have been trying for the last few years to enlighten the NFL, by enhancing their image with their female fans.

But do they listen? No.

Have they done anything to acknowledge us, nurture us, or reward us? No.

I so think they seem interested in figuring out how to market to the female fan, but thus far they haven’t a clue.

NFL 101 classes are the be-all and end-all for the NFL.

Commissioner overheard at recent owners meeting.
“Well fellas the ladies are making a lot of noise about their rights as football fans. Seems it isn’t enough that we let them watch the game, and it seems as if it isn’t enough that we let them play at NFL 101, and it seems as if it isn’t enough that we are selling shrunken T-Shirts with team logos on them”. “Frankly I just don’t know what more to do for them.”

Jerry Jones, “Well boys I think they might enjoy a swimsuit line, perhaps a NIKE swimsuit line featuring bikinis in team colors.”

Dan Snyder, “I say let them have a Female Fan Day, and then they can take photos and get autographs with the players. I can charge an extra $30 or $40 bucks a head for that.”

“If Chicks Ran the NFL” has created a stir. In a newspaper article it was referred to as the “manifesto” of the female football fan.

Damn that’s good!

So, clearly I feel a burning desire to outdo myself, the catch is, my brain is fried. No, nothing illegal, just the usual mush after endless hours of reality TV.

So I reached out to loyal Femmefan.com visitors, and asked for their input.

The results follow:

  • I would have gorgeous men serving beer, soda, hot dogs, and other goodies wearing nothing more than a bow tie and some very sexy undies!
  • I would have all field level seats reserved for women only.
  • I’d want to see a few different things (though I’m not totally representative)
  • No Rush Limbaugh on ESPN Sunday Countdown (yeesh)
  • Women in the booth who are actually knowledgeable about football (as opposed to ditzy, Jourmana Kidd-type sideline reporters)
  • Coors light commercials with male twins :)
  • I would propose selling an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Something that doesn’t bloat you and have to pee every other down.
  • There should be equal amounts of female and male cheerleaders.
  • I would most avidly support female commentators who are actually football fans and know something about the sport.
  • I’d like to see all players have mandatory psychotherapy sessions to reduce the violence and craziness off the field.
  • I’d make NFL fan gear for women, that’s attractive, fun, sexy and doesn’t look like we’re wearing our boyfriend’s jersey as a nightgown to the games. Oh yeah..I already do that!
  • I’d get some veggie hot dogs in there too. Plus a better drug test policy..no man should have to take cancer-causing drugs (never mind birth defects too!) to “keep up”!
  • And I’d have grass fields. Reduce injury from Astroturf. And some better LOGO’s PLEAAA-SE! Pirates, Buccaneers..same as muggers and crooks! How about the (ferocious) Mother bears! Or the Oracles! Or the Black Widows?
  • Oh yeah – and I’d get that bigot Rush Limbaugh out of the ESPN booth!