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Part II

If Chicks Ran The NFL: Part 2
By Ivette Ricco

The NFL continues to set attendance records. If you look around, you will see that at least 40% of those setting those records are of the female persuasion.

In spite of the fact women are not active participants in professional football, (notwithstanding the fledgling women’s professional football leagues) their ties to this sport are very strong. Haven’t you seen Donovan McNabb’s mother barging in on hapless geeks imploring them to eat their Campbell’s Soup? Ah yes, the women’s role is subtle but extremely important.

The NFL hasn’t taken its female fan very seriously. But, we remain committed and continue to hope that the NFL will hear our high-pitched shouts from the stands. In true team spirit we share the benefit of our knowledge and experience.

Listen up Mr. Tagliabue you might learn something.

If Chicks Ran The NFL: Part 2

  • The players would play topless in the pre-season
  • There would be a Ladies Night Game on a Friday (black tie optional)
  • Coffee Kiosks featuring Irish coffee, Kahlua coffee, and Lattes would be set up on every level.
  • Cliff notes would appear on the JumboTron to explain the ref’s call
  • The home team would sponsor after the game tailgate parties.
  • The networks would sponsor “The Most Ridiculous Fan Costume” contest to liven up the broadcast and offset the idiot announcers.
  • The Super Bowl would always be held on Saturday, it’s a better day to party
  • The day after the Super Bowl would become a National Holiday in observance America’s overindulgence.
  • The NFL would make the ball on a field goal do that blue zoom thing like the hockey puck on Fox. That would be so cool.
  • All outdoor stadium seats would have built in heaters.
  • There would be small TV screens and/or headphones built into the seats so no one has to sit next to or behind somebody with a radio on their lap.
  • All unsold seats in a stadium would be sold for $1 the last 12 hours before kickoff. Have the networks pass on the cost to the stupid advertisers.
  • There would be more concessions for food/beverages sponsored by corporations, with a lot easier access. Every available corner of every stadium ought to have a food and drink booth.
  • Give away all unsold seats to youth groups in the community. The NFL and the TV Networks pick up the tab.
  • Install oxygen tanks in the parking lot outhouses, whew.
  • Sell family package season tickets so that families can afford to go to the game.
  • Every team would hold an autograph session for kids before kickoff.
  • The “yellow” down marker so effective on TV would become a part of the stadium field so everyone would know exactly where the first down marker is.
  • Forget about the cheerleaders. Bring out some clowns.
  • Raffle off a used team jersey to a lucky fan at every home game, proceeds to go to a Youth Group.
  • Set salary limits on all rookies for their first two years. Limit their signing bonuses and make them earn everything based on incentive clauses
  • Get rid of astro-turf in every stadium!
  • Pay the coaches by the hour! They don’t get enough money.
  • Put Robin Roberts on MNF.
  • Allow all 10+ year veteran players to finish their careers with the team they earned their “stardom” with by waiving their salaries in the salary cap
  • Have chocolate bars sold in the stands the way they sell cotton candy, yum.

Follow this formula, gentlemen, and not only will attendance records exceed your expectations, you will also have enough revenue to continue your legal battles with Al Davis, forever.