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Hear Me Roar

If Chicks Ran The NFL
by Ivette Ricco, President of Femmefan.com

The leagues continue to seek to increase their female fan base. Teams don’t have “No Women Allowed” signs hanging outside their stadium doors. But, once a woman becomes a fan what benefits does she enjoy? The NFL proudly proclaims that football is the most beloved sport of women. But, what is the NFL doing to increase female attendance? Aside from largely unheralded and under promoted NFL 101 sessions, the NFL has done very little to attract, nurture and promote itself to its female fans. Now, femmefan.com exposes the little known desires of the NFL’s female fans.

Listen Up Guys.

If Chicks ran the NFL, we would have:

  • Chippendale Dancers as cheerleaders and half-time entertainment. Enough already with those Barbie dolls gyrating in their scanty outfits. We could all do without those silly dogs chasing Frisbees all over the field. Give us some buffed guys in shorts and tank tops dancing to Macho Man!
  • Serve us blended Margaritas featuring the flavor of the day. They’ll help us swallow those shingles with Cheez-Whiz they call Nachos.
  • Wine, because beer makes us “go” way too often, and puts on the pounds. The wine has to be the good stuff not Wyoming Valley vintage 2000 with twist off caps.
  • If we’re drinking the brew we need to get up and go. Give us lots and lots of toilets that smell good! Toss a few Stick-Ups in there and use Charmin’ instead of sandpaper army issue toilet paper.
  • Baby-sitting services at every stadium in the USA where you can drop off the rug-rats while you sit back and enjoy the game.
  • We want tours of the locker rooms. The tours would be conducted right after the game and while the players were freshly showered and still drying off.
  • An e-lounge where you can stay wired into every electronic gadget in your life during the game.
  • Team Apparel that fits us and isn’t made for men who are 6’2″ and weigh in at 330 pounds.
  • Ladies Day at least once a year in every stadium for every sport.
  • Cameron Diaz takes over as the new Football Commissioner. She has all the credentials necessary to run the NFL. She owned a football team in “On Any Given Sunday” and she was a psychiatrist who happened to be a girl jock in “There’s Something About Mary”. With her looks and obvious sports background, her decision-making abilities should be comparable to Mr. Tagliabue’s.
  • We love the yellow first down line; this is the best thing since the Wonder Bra. Every network should be required to use this feature during NFL broadcasts.
  • Why is it that the men around me all seem to know when a field goal is good? I can’t quite see where the heck that ball is. When I think it’s good and get up and yell, they say “sit down, it’s no good”. When I think it’s good it’s not.
  • With all the technology available let’s put a trailer after the ball or sensors on the goals posts that light up when the ball goes though, or how about positioning the camera above the goal post?
  • How about we get to gamble too just like the big boys do? Forget the spreads and all that blabber about fantasy football. We could play Online Bingo as we sit through endless time outs.

Take my word for it gentlemen; there won’t be an empty seat in any football stadium if Chicks Ran The NFL.